Most Trumpers here in Gizzard Ridge are layin’ low since the election, but this one feller, Buzzy Dutton, is more radicalized than ever. Buzzy relies heavily on a workin’ theory that if you don’t believe the election was stolen, you’re a member of the Communist Party.
A little birdie told Tea Pain Buzzy’s been goin’ around town sayin’ Tea Pain is a “Communist Operative”. Well, that tasty little morsel of information put a bee in Tea’s bonnet, so Tea caught Buzzy at the Skid Mark the other day and had a little man-to-man sit down with him.
Tea’ll give Buzzy credit, he didn’t hem and haw around. “Tea, I think you’re a communist. You’ve been watchin’ too much MSNBC and it’s rotted your brain.”
This came as a surprise to Tea Pain, because the neighbor that Tea “borrows” his cable from don’t get MSNBC.
“Buzzy”, said Tea with a slight grin, “If you can name just one tenet of Communism, Tea Pain’ll eat his shiny hat.” Buzzy drifted off for a split second, dreamin’ of Tea Pain mandicatin’ his patriotic chapeau.
“Well, Buzzy”, interrupted Tea, “Can you name just one?”
Buzzy suddenly began squirmin’ like a spring toad and in true MAGA fashion, he sought to change the subject to a perceived home court advantage.
“Don’t you listen to the preacher on Sunday, Tea?”, asked Buzzy with shaky optimism.
Tea’s gonna let you in on a little secret. The Gideon folks came to Tea’s school when he was in the fifth grade and handed out little pocket New Testaments. Though the cover fell off years ago and the spine in mainly duct tape, Tea still carries it with him everywhere he goes, cause you just never know.
“Ok, Buzzy. We’ll play in your ball park.”
Tea instinctively turned to the Book of Acts. Buzzy started to get that deer in the headlights look as Tea Pain instantly found the verse he was lookin’ for.
“And all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.” Acts 2:44-45
“Well, Buzzy, you believe that, doncha?
“Course I do! It’s in the Good Book.”, thundered Buzzy.
“Well, then you believe God wants us to abolish personal property, redistribute wealth to the poor and live communally, right?”
“God said it, I believe it!”
Tea flipped a few pages to 1st Corinthians.
“Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. ” 1st Corinthians 12:7
“How about it, Buzzy? Does God want us to do what’s best for the common good?
“You know I do”, said Buzzy, suddenly wantin’ off this ride.
Buzzy double-clutched and shifted his mental gearbox to Grandma-low.
“So, Tea, you’re good with all these Mexicans comin’ here and takin’ our jobs?”, asked Buzzy, doin’ his best Sean Hannity impersonation.
“Well, Buzzy”, said Tea calmly, “What do you think we oughta do with ’em?”
Buzzy’s eyes grew wide with Tucker Carson-fueled indignation.
“We oughta take all their stuff, sell it off and give it to all those Americans whose jobs they stole, then send ’em back to where they came from!” Buzzy pounded his fist lightly on the table to triumphantly drive his point home.
“So…”, said Tea, linin’ up the kill shot. “You believe we oughta confiscate the personal property of immigrants and rebels?”
“Abso-freekin’-lutely, Tea! If we don’t, then we won’t be America anymore.”
As a side note, Buzzy has no idea how to work his cable box. When the cable guy installed it eight years ago, Buzzy had him set it to Fox News. He ain’t touched it since.
Buzzy was suddenly overcome by the departed Spirit of Rush Limbaugh as he started to riff and freestyle, throwin’ caution to the wind.
“What we need to do is put Donald Trump back in charge and do whatever he tells us to do. That’ll fix this mess!”
“So you want us to switch to a Central Plannin’ strategy, Buzzy?”
Buzzy nodded dizzily in agreement, his eyeballs glazin’ over from his long overdue mental workout.
Tea Pain felt it was time to slam the toilet lid down to keep Buzzy from drinkin’ further from the Fox News toilet.
“Buzzy, you got one of them smart phones?” asked Tea.
“Sure”, he snapped.
“Google ‘Tenets of Communism'”
Tea removed all manner of expression from his face as Buzzy read his phone, his lips slowly dancin’ along with the words. The furrows on Buzzy’s forehead grew deeper with each line as he read about the “common good”, central plannin’, wealth redistribution, communal livin’ and seizin’ property from immigrants.
Buzzy slowly looked up from his phone to see ol’ Tea Pain suddenly grinnin’ like the ol’ Cheshire cat himself.
“Congratulations, Buzzy. You’re a Communist!”